Followers of this blog may be aware that, personally, my favourite reality show is The Apprentice.
So far, I’ve conducted interviews with all of the fired Apprentice candidates.
During which, I got Anita Shah to admit to "a natural frown"; Rocky Andrews to label Philip and Kate’s liaison as "a bit Big Brother for me"; Majid to cite James peeing his pants as a reason he wasn’t fired.
In addition, there’s Paula Jones calling Ben Clarke "a thug"; Kimberly Davis blasting Lorraine Tighe as "a Judas" and Noorul revealing that Ben would love to "pose naked on the cover of Heat with a rugby ball in front of his crotch."
But Philip Taylor, the John Terry look-alike,
is the one that got away. Having apparently exchanged bodily fluids with Nicole Appleton look-alike
Kate Walsh, the profile of the one-time bookies’ favourite has soared. Add that to Pants Man, the excruciatingly bad cereal marketing campaign (for a cereal called Wake Up Call? Truly pants, man), and you’ve got a no-show.
I was informed by the PR company rep that there’d be no interview with MSN this week; very little information was forthcoming. Hence, I’ve deduced the following – either the geezer playing tonsil-tennis with hard-nosed blonde Kate couldn’t face dealing with pants questions or he’s hooked up with some kind of tabloid/celeb rag exclusive.
From the moment he did that stooooooooopid Pants Man dance in the pitch, I was desperate to get my hands on him (figuratively speaking, of course). Bah humbug! What a great way of avoiding awkward, sticky questions too…or is it? Y’see, I thought I’d have a little fun imagining how the Pants Man himself might’ve responded had I been able to interview him.
Fake Apprentice Interview
Me: Pants Man, what’s it gonna take to get you to admit that Pants Man was a rubbish idea?
Pants Man: I still think it’s the iPod of cereal marketing.
Me: On The Apprentice, you came across as an extremely modest, unassuming and self-deprecating guy…
Pants Man: Well, that’s because I’m a good-looking lad. I can sell better than Lorraine, I’ve got a better body than Lorraine, I dress better than her and I’ve got thinner eyebrows too. Have you seen them things on her? She could sweep the streets with ’em.
Me: You don’t think much of Lorraine, did you?
Pants Man: What’s given you that idea, like?
Me: In the boardroom, you seemed convinced that Sir Alan Sugar had it in for you.
Pants Man: Call it an instinct. That’s what Lorraine would say anyway.
Me: Can you give us a blast of the Pants Man song again?
Pants Man: Watch this go top of the pops: "At the start of the day, everybody knows, without your Wake Up Call you put your pants over your clothes! So before you put your pants on and get out of your bed, eat a bowl of Wake Up Call and let the pants between your head. It has apples, bananas, cranberries too; an ABC of fruits we have selected just for you! Memory focus and energy hooray! Eat a bowl of Wake Up Call and put your pants on the right waaaaaaay!" I did that in one take – even Bono couldn’t do better. I’m better looking than him too.
Me: Was that a tear we saw as you exited the boardroom?
Pants Man: It wasn’t a tear. It was a manly tear. The kind footballers do. Ask John Terry about manly tears.
Me: Finally, do you still think you were the right man for the Apprentice job?
Of course I do. I’ve got bigger balls than Lorraine – that’s for sure.
Me: Thanks Pants Man, good luck.
Pants Man: Thanks MSN. And don’t forget, eat a bowl of Wake Up Call and put your pants on the right waaaaaaay!
Today I am mostly lovin’ –
Chelsea 1 Barcelona 1 – nuff said.
Hello to my Spurs-supporting mate FamousEccles! Hope all’s good with you and your health. I’ll be answering you via e-mail soon.
Today I am mostly hatin’ –
The axing of The South Bank Show
; inevitable as Lord Bragg is departing. It’s a real shame that ITV has lost one of its few treasures dedicated to the arts.
Channel 4 and ChildLine have launched an online-only entertainment show – created for young people and by young people. If you’d like to get involved, you’ll find more information about this here at Headspace.
MSN Editor Coops