Once again, the cream of the British television industry (and host Graham Norton) are gathering for the annual telly Baftas at London’s Royal Festival Hall. Taking a well-earned break from blitzing zombies in Resident Evil 5, I, Stuart Bak, will be your guide to all of this evening’s winners, losers, and wardrobe malfunctions. Will BBC Four drama Hancock and Joan do the hat-trick? Can June Brown scoop best actress gong for the brilliant kitchen sink drama of her Enders one-hander? And will The Apprentice right the ludicrous wrong of being beaten by Top Gear in 2008’s National Television Awards? Join me here live at 8pm to find out…
And we’re off… Hang on… Harry Enfield has been nominated for a Bafta? Is this the Bafta Television Awards 2009, or the Bafta Television Awards 1986?
Graham Norton cracks a few jokes. A single tumbleweed bounces past June Brown’s feet. He’s nothing if not reliable. Reliably unfunny, that is.
2008’s best bits. What, no ‘Lily Allen and Friends’?
Philip Glenister: presumably not nominated for his role in ITV’s Demons, here to present the award for best drama series. The smart money’s on Wallander.
And the winner is… Wallander. Well-deserved, I reckon – the best and bleakest Scandinavian cop drama starring Kenneth Branagh that I’ve ever seen. Probably.
Adrian Chiles: quite literally never off the telly. And the Bafta for best factual series goes to Amazon with Bruce Parry. Real-life action man Ross Kemp was robbed. I wish someone would stick Phil Mitchell in a war zone with nothing but a flak jacket and tin helmet for protection.
TV Burp gets the biggest laugh of the night so far, but is pipped to the best entertainment programme gong by the ever-worsening X Factor, a show now comprised entirely of sob stories, with about 12 seconds of ‘music’ thrown in for good measure. I can’t even remember who won it last year. Answers on a postcard please.
A TV genre so far from my heart it may as well not exist: sport. Even Gary Lineker looks bored. And the winner is… ITV’s F1 Brazilian Grand Prix coverage. Yawn.
I’ve just noticed Graham Norton’s jacket. Insane.
Best continuing drama (i.e. soap). What, no Coronation Street? Is there some sort of conspiracy going on here?
Best continuing drama: The Bill. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Have the telly Baftas finally jumped the shark? Leave your comments below…
News coverage award now. I don’t watch the news anymore. Far too depressing. Blah blah, we’re all going to be trading with magic beans this time next year, blah blah blah.
It goes to News At Ten for their coverage of the Chinese earthquake. World’s most tedious man makes world’s most tedious speech.
"The nation’s favourite music presenter?" Jools Holland? Speak for yourself, Norton. Jools is presenting best entertainment performance.
The nation’s second favourite TV commentator, Harry Hill, scoops the award for best entertainment performance. And his speech gets the second biggest laugh of the night. By rights he should be presenting this whole show.
A surprise win for White Girl in the best single drama category. My money was on Hancock and Joan. Another tenner down the drain then. I though he said he was going to keep his speech short.
The state of British comedy today. Genuinely appalling. Oh for pity’s sake: Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse have actually won. Next they’ll be telling us they’re giving the Academy Fellowship to Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders…
Jon Snow gets through his introduction to the specialist factual series showreel without fluffing a single line. Or wearing a silly tie. Will wonders never cease? A token win for David Attenborough’s Life In Cold Blood. Proof, if proof were needed, that we’ll never tire of watching footage of turtles having sex.
The post-9pm slump, and the catchily named ‘features’ category is won by The Choir: Boys Don’t Sing. The award is collected by a chap who looks like he wants to be David Tennant when he grows up.
Potty humour from ‘rising comedian’ Michael McIntyre ("Hands up if you want to pee"). Not funny, not funny at all.
Best situation comedy: The IT Crowd. Somebody’s having a laugh. But not, presumably, anyone who’s ever actually watched it.
Last year’s best actor winner, Andrew Garfield, to present the drama serial award. Expect to see him back next year to pick up a gong for Channel 4’s Red Riding trilogy: officially the best thing on telly so far in 2009. FACT. And the Bafta goes to BBC1’s Criminal Justice which was, admittedly, pretty good, though less fun than Charlie Brooker’s Big Brother zombie-fest Dead Set.
That jacket gets more ludicrous the longer I look at it.
A very long advert for BBC drama. Clever.
The Bafta for best single documentary goes to The Chosen. To my eternal shame, I didn’t see any of the four nominated programmes. Probably too busy watching Big Brother. I’m so low-brow I make Peter Andre look like Harold Pinter.
The Philips Audience Award now, the only award voted for entirely by the Great British Public. Go on, vote Wallander and do yourselves proud.
Nope, the winner is terrible teen sex-fest Skins. Presumably the only people voting were 12-year-olds who think Hollyoaks is a quality drama or grown men who’ve memorised the Pete Townsend defence…
The award for best comedy performance goes to the ubiquitous David Mitchell for Peep Show. He might at least have cracked a joke or two during his speech.
Jimmy Nesbitt takes the stage to present the Bafta for best actress. And completely misses the irony, presumably. This one surely goes to the wonderful Maxine Peake for Hancock and Joan…
Wrong again, it’s Anna Maxwell Martin for Poppy Shakespeare. The bookies must be rubbing their hands together with glee right about now.
And the Bafta for best actor goes to… Stephen Dillane for Channel 4’s The Shooting of Thomas Hurndall. Ken Stott looks suitably unimpressed. So, that’s it: not a single Bafta for BBC Four’s Hancock and Joan. An absolute travesty, in my humble opinion.
Final award of the night (phew) is the highest of all Bafta accolades: the Fellowship award. It goes to "the greatest female comedy double act in the history of British television": Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders. Doesn’t say much for British female comedy double acts, does it?
French and Saunders. "Trailblazers"? Really, Dame Helen? "A legacy of brilliant work." What, even The Vicar of Dibley?
A standing ovation for French and Saunders (oh well, each to their own). Montage of awards the BBC couldn’t be bothered to show includes Mad Men winning best international show over The Wire. I give up. All that remains is for me to thanks my editors, producers, readers, parents, and next-door-neighbour’s dog. Thank you, thank you, and thank you again. Did you agree with the Bafta judges’ decisions? Or, like me, do you think Hancock and Joan was robbed. Leave your comments below. Until next year…
Winners In Full:
Best actor – Stephen Dillane – The Shooting of Thomas Hurndall (Channel 4)
Best actress – Anna Maxwell Martin – Poppy Shakespeare (Channel 4)
Best entertainment performance – Harry Hill – Harry Hill’s TV Burp (ITV1)
Best comedy performance – David Mitchell – Peep Show (Channel 4)
Best single drama – White Girl (BBC Two)
Best drama serial – Criminal Justice (BBC One)
Best drama series – Wallander (BBC One)
Best continuing drama – The Bill (ITV1)
Best factual series – Amazon with Bruce Parry (BBC Two)
Best entertainment programme – The X Factor (ITV1)
Best situation comedy – The IT Crowd (Channel 4)
Best comedy programme – Harry and Paul (BBC One)
Best single documentary – Chosen (Channel 4)
Best feature – The Choir: Boys Don’t Sing (BBC Two)
Best international show – Mad Men (BBC Four)
Best specialist factual – Life in Cold Blood (BBC One)
Best current affairs – Saving Africa’s Witch Children – Dispatches (Channel 4)
Best news coverage – News at Ten – Chinese Earthquake (ITV1)
Best sport – ITV1 F1: Brazilian Grand Prix (ITV1)
Best interactivity – Embarrassing Bodies Online (Channel 4)
Audience award – Skins
Special Award – Jane Tranter
Bafta Fellowship – French and Saunders