By guest blogger Stuart Bak, Bak on TV
7.59 – It’s that time of year again when the cream of British TV Talent (and the cast of Hollyoaks) get together to give themselves a great big collective slap on the back. Yes, tonight is National Television Awards night and, as Coops has taken a few weeks off, I will be your humble guide to all the winners, losers, fumbled acceptance speeches and wardrobe malfunctions of the night. Will Harry Hill repeat his BAFTA success? How many wags will make jokes at Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross’s expense? And will an increasingly dithering Sir Trev get through the evening without fluffing his lines? It’s time to find out…
8.02 – The stars are lining up on the red carpet, if you can call Amanda Holden a ‘star’, that is. And we’re off…
8.03 – What fresh hell is this? The Royal Albert Hall hasn’t seen anything this camp since Liberace last played here.
8.07 – Dermot O’Leary: officially shorter than Sir Trevor McDonald.
8.10 – Paul O’Grady (one man, his dog, a garish set, and not a decent celebrity in sight) scoops the award for most popular entertainment programme. Biggins was robbed.
8.18 – Outstanding serial drama performance. It has to be gurning Katherine Kelly, who plays tramp Becky in Coronation Street. Surely…
8.21 – Gurn baby gurn. No wonder Katherine Kelly has an expression like a bulldog’s a*se chewing a wasp. Instead, charisma-free zone Matt Littler (Max from Hollyoaks) takes the gong. What do you think? Was Katherine robbed? Leave your comments using the link below.
8.27 – Get voting now for your favourite TV talent show: Britain’s Got No Talent, Falling On Ice, Strictly Two Left Feet and The Excrutiating X Factor.
8.30 – Most popular factual programme. I think Griff Rhys Jones might be drunk. A bit like Kerry Katona on This Morning as it happens, coincidentally nominated in this category.
8.34 – And the award goes to… Top Gear! This is getting ridiculous: O’Grady beats Ant and Dec, Littler beats Kelly and now three smug middle-aged men being smug beat Apprentice winner Lee’s legendary reverse pterodactyl. Crap speech too.
8.37 – Multi-millionaire Sir Trevor McDonald makes joke at expense of the nation’s homeless. Oh dear…
8.39 – Hang on? Best newcomer: Georgia Taylor? As in: Toyah Battersby from Coronation Street? Hardly a newcomer, methinks. Still, she deserves some sort of recognition for her role as face-like-a-haunted-balloon misery Ruth Winters in Casualty. I’m backing Michelle Keegan for this one though. At least she’s a genuine newcomer.
8.45 – Best newcomer award coming up later… but first up: most popular comedy programme. And the winner is not Harry Hill’s TV Burp. It’s Benidorm. This is getting more surreal by the second. I mean, who actually watches that?
8.48 – World’s oldest woman makes world’s most tedious speech. A nation nods off.
8.53 – Austin Healey (some kind of sportsman, I’m guessing – answers on a postcard please) presents the award for most popular newcomer. Rita Simons takes it. As if the world really needs another Mitchell. Next up, I predict a winner correctly. No, not really.
9.00 – "A talented cast in challenging roles," says Sir Trev before announcing a category with The Bill in it. I despair. The award for most popular drama, rightly (at last!) goes to Doctor Who.
9.06 – Most popular entertainment presenter. Russell Brand, perhaps? No, perhaps not. Instead, inane, grinning, two-headed, balding midget AntandDec wins.
9.17 – Shakespearean heavyweight Alex Walkinshaw (Sgt ‘Smithy’ Smith from The Bill) now, up against small fry Philp Glenister, Catherine Tate and David Tennant for outstanding drama performance…
9.22 – Shock horror! Tennant beats Walkinshaw. And announces his retirement from Doctor Who… in 2010. Who’ll be the next Doctor? Please don’t let it be James ‘Jimmy’ Nesbitt.
9.24 – I love the way Sir Trev says the word ‘category’.
9.27 – Paris Hilton presents the award for most popular talent show and she’s, like, so exciiiiited.
9.33 – And the winner is… Strictly Come Dancing. I think my gran must have been the only person voting tonight. Here’s tedium machine Tess Daly to accept the award. And Simon Cowell looking rightly appalled. It’s turning into a good night for the Beeb. And boy do they need it after the week they’ve had.
9.40 – Oh good. Millenia-old reptile Andrew Lloyd Webber is here. But what precisely is he waffling about this time?
9.42 – Ah, I see. It’s some sort of consolation prize for Simon Cowell for, well, being Simon Cowell. No mention of Peter ‘Geraldine’ Kay’s ingenious slap in the face when he outsold jazz hobbit Leon Jackson’s new single last week. An opportunity missed, I reckon.
9.48 – Will this Cowell love-in never end? I think I may have dozed off half-way through that. Zzzzz.
9.50 – "Well done Strictly," indeed.
9.51 – Into the final furlong now with the most popular serial drama. Corrie has really peed all over the competition this year with Liam’s murder, Rosie’s kidnap and, er, Ken’s novel. The best EastEnders could muster up was killing off Phil ‘Parklife’ Daniels. And that was in January. And don’t even get me started on Hollyoaks. Seriously, if Corrie doesn’t win this one, I’ll eat my undercrackers.
9.52 – Oh. I thought this was going to presented by Kylie. They must have run out of budget though: it’s Jason Donovan.
9.54 – And the winner of most popular serial drama is… oh my God – it’s EastEnders. I am, for once, entirely speechless.
9.59 – And on that bombshell, it’s all over for another year. True to my word, I’m now off to sit semi-naked by the cooker, gently sauteeing my undergarments. Now there’s an image for you. Until next time, thanks for tuning in, and don’t have nightmares.