Ladies and gents, lightning has struck twice. Kevin Shaw, the Apprentice’s only merchant banker in the village, escaped my clutches as detailed here. I’m still cursing my rotten luck; I’d been desperate to get my hands on him (figuratively speaking, of course). Unfortunately, and this is unprecedented as far as my experience of The Apprentice goes, it’s happened again.
Michael ‘Teflon’ Sophocles is not doing any interviews. Rumour has it that he’s sold his story, exclusively, to one of the tabloids. And what a great way of avoiding awkward, sticky questions too…or is it? Y’see, I thought I’d have a little fun imagining how Teflon might’ve responded had I been able to interview him.
Fake Apprentice Interview
Me: Kosher. Any nearer to knowing what it means now?
Teflon: Yes. According to Del Boy, it’s unlaundered money.
Me: No. That’s not it.
Teflon: I’m such a dum-dum! It’s not Del Boy. It’s Arthur Daley.
Me: Outside of classic 80s TV shows; are you any nearer to knowing what Kosher means?
Teflon: Isn’t it a line in that Diddy song Come To Me?
Me: Nah. That’s ‘come closer’ not ‘come Kosher’.
Teflon: Is it the where the phrase ‘under the cosh’ comes from? So it means that you’re even more under the thumb?
Me: In a word, no.
Teflon: Oh. Is it a popular name? A Christian name, perhaps?
Me: Good one Teflon! The irony…
Teflon: What? I don’t get it.
Me: On the whole, you were pretty useless really. You can’t inspire, you can’t lead, you can’t sell, you can’t manage….Can you do anything at all? Can you breathe unaided, for example?
Teflon: Next to selling, breathing’s what I was born to do. I am a fantastic breather. There is no one better at breathing than me. I inhale just the right amount of air needed to fill my lungs and I’m very, very, very considerate with regard to the amount of carbon dioxide I exhale and the people that don’t are just dum-dums.
Me: Teflon – we’re gonna miss your stupidity…
See our Apprentice special for more on this show.
Our Big Brother 9 special has now launched. It’s got loads of fun features including Big Brother Mingers (spoilt for choice) and Big Brother Babes (ditto).
Today I am mostly lovin’ – Watching clips of classic Sesame Street (none of this Elmo rubbish!). I am now convinced that I will never, ever grow out of my childhood.
Today I am mostly hatin’ – The weather’s too obvious, isn’t it? What da heck. It’s our national obsession…
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